My son, when Andrew and I found out you were to be a boy, we were nearly speechless. I have to specify 'nearly', because if you know us at all by now, you know that your father and I are rarely quiet when surprised.
We had a bet going. It wasn't a legitimate bet, seeing as we weren't guessing on your sex based on anything substantial. No evidence, or even just feelings - we were betting based on what we wanted. He wanted a girl and I wanted a boy. I'll go into why another time.
Now I'm not sure when you'll be reading this. I'm hoping it's when you're an adult, and have a contextual understanding to life and parenthood. But that's not likely. If you're anything like us, you'll be curious and no doubt will read this before I mean for you to see it. In which case, you may not understand the happiness a parent feels just to have a healthy baby - no matter the sex. And in America, lucky as we are to be, the sex of your child does not matter. We have no great will to see our name handed down to a son, or someone to carry on the family business. No, those reasons do not matter. Our reasons for wanting one sex over the other were purely personal, and as we found out that day in the lab with the ultrasound, complete bullshit.
So, back to our bet. For a mere $5, Andrew was willing to wager that you were going to be a girl, and I was betting against, even though I thought he was right. There was no way I would be so lucky as to escape destiny - or worse - makeup and boyfriends.
But the nurse/lab technician moved the transducer probe over my belly and spotted something between your legs that could only be one thing. "Look!" she said. "XXXXXXX" [ask Andrew] And as I said before, he and I were nearly speechless. "A boy?!" we said.
"You were right..." Andrew said.
"I didn't think I was," I exhaled, still shocked.
"Really?"
"Really."
And after that brief second of shock, we were gleeful. For many parents, knowing the sex is a step closer to making the pregnancy, and the eventual birth, a reality. It was no different for us. There is a baby, and it's got an arrival date. The clinic even gives you a packet that in a subtle way says "If you were waiting until now to make plans, it's time to get started."
My cousin Stacy and sister-in-law Jessica told me it was natural to be a little disappointed in the result, because after all, you want both. You can't have both, but you want it, and therefore there will be a slight regret. But it doesn't last long. Especially when you realize how the world has changed and a gender isn't as restrictive as it used to be. Girls can play with Legos and trucks and boys can play with dolls and dress-up without condemnation. At least, not from the younger generations.
Even so, I have to admit that I was thrilled. Selfishly, it meant that I didn't have to worry about certain things (though there are another set of worries), but also that I got to pursue some of my more tomboyish interests through you. I know I said that boys and girls could like whatever they wish, but there is still a social stigma attached to certain sports and activities, and I was instantly curious about what you would one day find interesting. Would you like running like your father? Hockey like me? Legos are a given of course. If you don't like those, we have to give you up. Sorry. :-P
So while someday a sibling or a friend may taunt you with lies such as "Your parents wanted a girl!" you can rest assured that your parents wanted you. Whether you liked basketball or Barbies was immaterial.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Past, First
One day, my unborn son or daughter, I am going to have to explain to you why we, your parents, waited so long to have you. However, it will be neither a good, nor interesting story. One reason is that quite honestly, we just didn't know what we wanted from life, or when we wanted it. And your father and I, just like everyone else, are selfish people.
Don't get me wrong; we're Democrats. We volunteer and we give money to charities... We vote and actually care about the welfare of others, but after all that's done, we really want to just live our lives. As I'm sure you know by the time you're reading this, your father loves games. Board games, puzzles, etc. And the both of us love video games, reading, movies (as I'm sure you've noticed), comics, traveling... Actually, we have so many interests that keeping our house clutter-free has been an impossibility since we got married. There's just so much to do!
But we're adventurers at heart, and parenthood is perhaps the great adventure. And so we decided to take that step into the unknown.
My personal belief is, that to bring another being into a the world - into this world - is the most selfish decision one can make. It's not done for the benefit of others, nor are you giving the child to the world as a gift. No, people have children for various reasons.
1. Reproduction is natural.
And this has been described to me in the way of "The world needs peopling." It doesn't, actually. The earth will do just fine with or without us. Even so, reproduction is perfectly normal. Most couples end up having children. For most people, settling down and starting a family is just the right thing to do.
Andrew and I had started a family. We had each other, and also pets at different points in our marriage. Our little ones were our children and that was just fine for us. The key word there is "was."
2. Adults like children.
This may seem like an obvious statement, but let's dig into it a bit. Being an adult isn't fun. Not at all. Oh sure, we can go to bed when we decide, eat what we want, and get on all the rides, but those are mere trivialities when you look at the length of time we are adults based on the length of childhood. In other words, the bad outweighs the good in adulthood. Bills, work, complected relationships, maintenance, paperwork (oh, god, the paperwork)... I don't wish to say it's not worth it, but being an adult is hard, annoying work. And so we wish we were younger and had less responsibilities. We yearn for the days of childhood summers when all we had to remember was to come in at dinnertime. It's a carefree lifestyle that may or may not have happened, but that we've altered our memories to focus on nonetheless. To remember life as a child is to remember what fun it was to be a child, and all the fun play and imagination that went with it. Children take us back to those days, and if you ask a parent - he or she will tell you that playing with a child is like being a child again themselves. And who wouldn't want that feeling back?
3. Tradition and name impartment.
I don't think this is a common reason anymore, at least not in America. Families used to want to have sons to pass on the family name or to continue family traditions (the farm, the business, etc.), but thankfully we have (mostly) gotten past this and realized that women (in addition to being genetically superior), whether they marry and change their names, can fulfill the "passing of the torch" role just as well as men. Even so, back when American worried about "peopling" the nation and having enough children to work the land, the number of children one had was an important choice.
4. Family and personal security.
This reason, while selfish like the others, is the most logical from the standpoint of an older adult. With childhood and young adulthood far behind, it is easier to see the obstacles before us. And by now, we've seen them with our older relatives. These challenges of getting older happen to every generation. Memory loss, difficulty doing physical activities that were once easier, and of course, dealing with the next generation of electronics. To have children is to ensure that you are taken care of in your latter years, or at least looked after. Life for an adult is hard, as I stated before, but for an elderly person, it's downright scary. Everyone should feel that they have some support when they're older, and that support usually comes from the children.
5. Pressure.
Peer-pressure, societal-pressure, and parental-pressure are terrible reasons, but likely the most possible, for having children. From personal experience, I can say that friends with children, or pregnant with children, are the absolute worst when it comes to peer-pressure. And what's really irritating is that it's not their fault. They fall into the societal traps that we've created for ourselves. If you ask your friend about their pregnancy or child, they assume that you too are interested in having children, and ask you for your future plans regarding them. And since answering in the negative is difficult for us (for example, "I don't want children,") we tend to come up with something on the fly, or mutter feelings we aren't sure of yet. In truth, understanding of one's self is the most important thing to have before talking to anyone regarding your future with children. But good luck obtaining that mystical zen.
I've met many people who have felt pressured by others to settle down and have children, and who have gotten resistance from those whom they've told they weren't interested in having children. Oddly enough, those people were deemed selfish for not having children. This is a load of crap.
If one were to look up "Should I have children" (or "reasons to have children") on Google, one would find a plethora of articles, forums and discussions on varying views of child-bearing. The truth of the matter is, we are at seven billion people on this planet, and that's not a small number. There are children all over the world who need parents, and many in this country who do as well. To add yet another person is one of the most irresponsible things that we as intelligent beings can do. Especially if we can't prove that we're adding quality beings. Perhaps if only the intelligent were breeding (unfortunately, the under-educated are breeding more), then we could prove that adding more people is bettering society, but unfortunately, as the Republicans have proven, greater numbers - no matter intelligence - will win out in the end. And having children for the sake of defeating a political party is ridiculous to me.
Now there are other reasons for having children. Wanting something to take care of and nurture is one. This is also a shit reason. Those nurturing people should get a pet. Or donate their time to a school or humane society. Another reason is for the betterment of the country. I personally think we are at an age when we can think bigger. Outside the borders. Now, if a reason was for the betterment of science or space exploration...I might get on board. Another reason that disagree with is because "it's in the bible: Go forth and multiply." I don't think he was talking to you, fanatics.
My point is, there are many reasons - none at all good - to have children. But we're reproductive beings. And quite frankly, babies are going to happen. And while they mostly happen to those who aren't making a clear and informed decision to (i.e., accidentally), it's happening anyway.
We can only hope it's for the best.
Don't get me wrong; we're Democrats. We volunteer and we give money to charities... We vote and actually care about the welfare of others, but after all that's done, we really want to just live our lives. As I'm sure you know by the time you're reading this, your father loves games. Board games, puzzles, etc. And the both of us love video games, reading, movies (as I'm sure you've noticed), comics, traveling... Actually, we have so many interests that keeping our house clutter-free has been an impossibility since we got married. There's just so much to do!
But we're adventurers at heart, and parenthood is perhaps the great adventure. And so we decided to take that step into the unknown.
My personal belief is, that to bring another being into a the world - into this world - is the most selfish decision one can make. It's not done for the benefit of others, nor are you giving the child to the world as a gift. No, people have children for various reasons.
1. Reproduction is natural.
And this has been described to me in the way of "The world needs peopling." It doesn't, actually. The earth will do just fine with or without us. Even so, reproduction is perfectly normal. Most couples end up having children. For most people, settling down and starting a family is just the right thing to do.
Andrew and I had started a family. We had each other, and also pets at different points in our marriage. Our little ones were our children and that was just fine for us. The key word there is "was."
2. Adults like children.
This may seem like an obvious statement, but let's dig into it a bit. Being an adult isn't fun. Not at all. Oh sure, we can go to bed when we decide, eat what we want, and get on all the rides, but those are mere trivialities when you look at the length of time we are adults based on the length of childhood. In other words, the bad outweighs the good in adulthood. Bills, work, complected relationships, maintenance, paperwork (oh, god, the paperwork)... I don't wish to say it's not worth it, but being an adult is hard, annoying work. And so we wish we were younger and had less responsibilities. We yearn for the days of childhood summers when all we had to remember was to come in at dinnertime. It's a carefree lifestyle that may or may not have happened, but that we've altered our memories to focus on nonetheless. To remember life as a child is to remember what fun it was to be a child, and all the fun play and imagination that went with it. Children take us back to those days, and if you ask a parent - he or she will tell you that playing with a child is like being a child again themselves. And who wouldn't want that feeling back?
3. Tradition and name impartment.
I don't think this is a common reason anymore, at least not in America. Families used to want to have sons to pass on the family name or to continue family traditions (the farm, the business, etc.), but thankfully we have (mostly) gotten past this and realized that women (in addition to being genetically superior), whether they marry and change their names, can fulfill the "passing of the torch" role just as well as men. Even so, back when American worried about "peopling" the nation and having enough children to work the land, the number of children one had was an important choice.
4. Family and personal security.
This reason, while selfish like the others, is the most logical from the standpoint of an older adult. With childhood and young adulthood far behind, it is easier to see the obstacles before us. And by now, we've seen them with our older relatives. These challenges of getting older happen to every generation. Memory loss, difficulty doing physical activities that were once easier, and of course, dealing with the next generation of electronics. To have children is to ensure that you are taken care of in your latter years, or at least looked after. Life for an adult is hard, as I stated before, but for an elderly person, it's downright scary. Everyone should feel that they have some support when they're older, and that support usually comes from the children.
5. Pressure.
Peer-pressure, societal-pressure, and parental-pressure are terrible reasons, but likely the most possible, for having children. From personal experience, I can say that friends with children, or pregnant with children, are the absolute worst when it comes to peer-pressure. And what's really irritating is that it's not their fault. They fall into the societal traps that we've created for ourselves. If you ask your friend about their pregnancy or child, they assume that you too are interested in having children, and ask you for your future plans regarding them. And since answering in the negative is difficult for us (for example, "I don't want children,") we tend to come up with something on the fly, or mutter feelings we aren't sure of yet. In truth, understanding of one's self is the most important thing to have before talking to anyone regarding your future with children. But good luck obtaining that mystical zen.
I've met many people who have felt pressured by others to settle down and have children, and who have gotten resistance from those whom they've told they weren't interested in having children. Oddly enough, those people were deemed selfish for not having children. This is a load of crap.
If one were to look up "Should I have children" (or "reasons to have children") on Google, one would find a plethora of articles, forums and discussions on varying views of child-bearing. The truth of the matter is, we are at seven billion people on this planet, and that's not a small number. There are children all over the world who need parents, and many in this country who do as well. To add yet another person is one of the most irresponsible things that we as intelligent beings can do. Especially if we can't prove that we're adding quality beings. Perhaps if only the intelligent were breeding (unfortunately, the under-educated are breeding more), then we could prove that adding more people is bettering society, but unfortunately, as the Republicans have proven, greater numbers - no matter intelligence - will win out in the end. And having children for the sake of defeating a political party is ridiculous to me.
Now there are other reasons for having children. Wanting something to take care of and nurture is one. This is also a shit reason. Those nurturing people should get a pet. Or donate their time to a school or humane society. Another reason is for the betterment of the country. I personally think we are at an age when we can think bigger. Outside the borders. Now, if a reason was for the betterment of science or space exploration...I might get on board. Another reason that disagree with is because "it's in the bible: Go forth and multiply." I don't think he was talking to you, fanatics.
My point is, there are many reasons - none at all good - to have children. But we're reproductive beings. And quite frankly, babies are going to happen. And while they mostly happen to those who aren't making a clear and informed decision to (i.e., accidentally), it's happening anyway.
We can only hope it's for the best.
Friday, August 2, 2013
18 weeks (about 4.5 months) Along
Before I got pregnant, I was annoyed when people referred to development times in weeks. For example:
"How old is he?"
"He's 24 weeks."
Why didn't they just say "almost 6 months old"? Well, I've figured that out quickly. It's how the doctors and the books separate important developmental events. When something happens quickly - or at least under a year - it's easier to track by week.
My development seems to be right on schedule. I'm 18 weeks today, and while there are a few things bothering me, it's not nearly the hell of the first trimester. Instead of feeling sick all the time, now I just can't sleep and I actually feel pregnant. For example, larger. I had to switch to pregnancy pants and got a few new tops for my growing body. And I suppose for once it feels good to be growing in a positive way...instead of inadvertently losing or gaining weight due to food.
Andrew and I haven't really started on the baby's room yet, but we've been so busy with getting my grandfather's house ready to sell that we just haven't had the time. Jake is moving in here today for a few days, and selfishly, I wish he could stay longer. I know Andrew doesn't like being crowded, but I like having my little brother around.
We had an incident lately with my mother, and it was enough for us both to want to cut ties with her. Things like that naturally pull you closer to your other family. Jake and I disheartened that this happened, but not surprised. She is a lost soul, and too far gone for me to help her. And I don't want an alcoholic around my child.
But I still wish my child could have more family around. We're going to have to be really proactive in hanging out with people. Especially people with other children so the little one gets to play.
"How old is he?"
"He's 24 weeks."
Why didn't they just say "almost 6 months old"? Well, I've figured that out quickly. It's how the doctors and the books separate important developmental events. When something happens quickly - or at least under a year - it's easier to track by week.
My development seems to be right on schedule. I'm 18 weeks today, and while there are a few things bothering me, it's not nearly the hell of the first trimester. Instead of feeling sick all the time, now I just can't sleep and I actually feel pregnant. For example, larger. I had to switch to pregnancy pants and got a few new tops for my growing body. And I suppose for once it feels good to be growing in a positive way...instead of inadvertently losing or gaining weight due to food.
Andrew and I haven't really started on the baby's room yet, but we've been so busy with getting my grandfather's house ready to sell that we just haven't had the time. Jake is moving in here today for a few days, and selfishly, I wish he could stay longer. I know Andrew doesn't like being crowded, but I like having my little brother around.
We had an incident lately with my mother, and it was enough for us both to want to cut ties with her. Things like that naturally pull you closer to your other family. Jake and I disheartened that this happened, but not surprised. She is a lost soul, and too far gone for me to help her. And I don't want an alcoholic around my child.
But I still wish my child could have more family around. We're going to have to be really proactive in hanging out with people. Especially people with other children so the little one gets to play.
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